2010 In Review

What a great year 2010 turned out to be.  Another year older, a little more wiser, I hope and a life full of love and friendships.  This year I finally followed Kristin Kuhn’s demands and joined Facebook.  What a great thing that turned out to be.  I re-connected  with old friends I hadn’t talked to in more years than I can remember.  It has allowed me hours of enjoyment reading what is going on in the lives of friends and seeing pictures of their children and fun times.  The only downfall is seeing how old some people look.  Damn, do I look that old too?  I mean I must right?  We are the same age and that stupid eye cream I bought hasn’t reversed me to look 12 again, damn it!!  All in all though, good advice taken.

The whole Facebook idea turned me to think about writing this blog.  I have a blog that I have read daily for years and thought I’d give it a go.  I can happily say that it has turned out to be a really fun outlet for me to flex my creative muscles.  I get a kick out of seeing that my audience spans from the USA to Russia, China, India, Lithuania, France, etc.  It cracks me up wondering what you Russian readers think of my blond ramblings.  Thank you for reading and I hope to keep you entertained in the years to come.

Our 8 nieces and nephews flourished this year.  My sister’s (who’s name we do not speak) little girl turned 4 and her son turned 12 all within days of each other.  Kyle and I had them over to stay the night and had a special birthday celebration for them, hiding presents throughout the house for them to find.  A highlight was when the 4 year old was pulling a stuffed dog around the kitchen, by a leash we made from ribbon, and announced “This dog is pissing me off!”.  Damn… kids say the cutest things.  I still laugh when I think about it.  Our 12 year old nephew is now 5’10”, wears a size 13 shoe and can throw a baseball so fast you better not blink or you’ll miss it.  And, obviously, at that height, he rocks at basketball.  NBA lookout!!

The other 6 are thriving as well.  The 3 older kids just finished semesters at college, all with straight A’s and still manage to find time to come to family functions so we can see them.  We spent many a Saturday in the stands cheering for our 15 year old nephew, who is the quarterback of his school’s freshman football team, and then went on to see our 13 year old niece kick butt in soccer.  The youngest of their kids is 11 and the sweetest little man you could ever dream for.  He still likes to sit on your lap and will snuggle up to us.  We are enjoying it as long as we can.

This year I rounded 3 ½ years with my current company and still love what I do.  How the hell does that happen?  Oh yeah, I work with a really great group of people and us girls just laugh our asses off.  Hopefully you recall the purple panties on the floor at work blog.  Kyle got a really great new job, and within four months of being at the company, has already been promoted.  He is so awesome and I am just so happy for him.  Well - for him and for my wish list at Tiffany’s. 

My mother in law was diagnosed with breast cancer this year.  She had surgery and radiation for many, many weeks.  I am very pleased to report that in December she had her 6 month follow up mammogram and it was clear.  Thank you God!  Go healthy Boobies!

Kyle and I couldn’t be happier or more in love.  Having the relationship we do is something we are thankful for every day.  This year we have come to the conclusion that if we can’t have kids, the 8 nieces and nephews are good enough for us.  We spend our time how we want, sleeping in, eating out, basically doing whatever, whenever we choose.  That, we decided, is a pretty sweet deal after all.  Well 2011, there is much more chardonnay to be consumed and calories to burn.  (Yeah right)  Well at least the wine part is true enough. 

Everyone, have a safe and fun New Year and I’ll catch you later

A Totally Expected Blond Moment

As you've already learned about me, recycling is not at the top list of things I think about.  Not because I'm a bad person or anti Earth, I just have other things on my mind.  And, to be honest, those who subscribe to the Mayan calendar know, why the hell bother, am I right???

For Christmas, we usually decorate the outside of our house every year with so many lights and blow ups and reindeer that we could rival the Griswalds.  This year neither one of us was into it.  Climbing on the roof, balancing on one foot on the ladder trying to reach as far as possible so you don't have to climb all the way down and move it again.  That sort of thing.  The inside of our house already looks like Christmas threw up anyhow.  We put up 4 trees, wrapped the banister with garland and lights, set up the little village, basically covered every surface with something Christmasy. 

We got a lot of moans and groans from our neighbors when they heared we weren't decorating.  Every single house on either side of us, and halfway up our street, decorated.  Hell, Dave and Lisa who aren't even here for the holiday this year, had a couple little elves go over and decorate for them.  That really stings because we thought at least we could be in it together.

Steve and Kathy, one of our favorite party couples, live about 4 houses up from us.  They hadn't decorated yet either.  We went up there a few Saturday's ago for drinks and fun.  When the subject of decorating came up we were just saying how thrilled we were that they hadn't decorated either and we could be in it together.  The following is how the conversation went:

Me: We are so glad to see you aren't decorating the outside.  We've been getting crap from everyone.

Steve:  Oh no, you know what, we are going green this year.

Me, aka, Blondie: Steve, I don't care what color of lights you are hanging up, WE AREN'T DECORATING.

Yes folks that's right.  That's how it went.  Steve, Kathy and Kyle just took pause while I figured it out.   If I'm nothing else, at least I can be counted on for other's entertainment.

A Quick Update

I realize that I haven't posted in weeks, and yes, I have been catching shit from everyone for it.  I fully plan to start blogging again daily, and hope all my loyal readers are still out there and ready to read my random rants.  Kyle and I have had a most amazingly crazy and fun filled month with decorating, shopping, wrapping, cooking and giving.  I can't wait to tell all the stories and detail the goings on.  We are both off for the next week together so we plan to shop, relax and drink copious amounts of wine.   I also promise to get back to blogging my daily thoughts and crazy-brained ideas. 

I'd start now but Lucy just farted, jumped up as startled as if she'd just been cattle branded, and ran across the room looking at her own ass shocked, as if she'd just been assaulted.  I'm laughing too hard to go on.  Every time this dog has farted for the 11 years we've had her it's the same reaction.  She's just so shocked and assumes something bad has happened to her and not her actually doing it herself. It really is hilarious.

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, no matter what you celebrate, and all my random and fun Kim stories and experiences will return starting tomorrow.

Much love and thanks for your loyal reading.

A Less Than Fascinating Update About Me.

Today I have two things running through my mind to share with you.  Hair and wrinkles.  Settle in folks, this should be fun!

A few weeks ago some of you might remember that I wrote about aging and wrinkles and my intense hatred of both.  Well I have, religiously, been putting on my new eye cream, in the morning, in the evening and before bed time.  Low and behold it is working.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t resemble a 12 year old by any means, but I have noticed a small difference.  Whew.  That sure is a good thing. 

I work in an office of around 500 people and I see all these women walking around with these dark, dry, wrinkly patches under their eyes and it makes me just cringe.  Perhaps they were always there and I just never noticed until I started to have issues myself.   Or maybe the global condition and green house effect that all of my lack of recycling, gas guzzling car driving self has inflicted on the environment has finally come back to bite us all in the ass, and the air is toxic and drying out our precious under eye areas….Hmmm, I’m guessing maybe not.  But a good rant none-the-less.

Along the same topic of looks, let’s discuss my hair.  I have worn it super short and sassy for a ton of years and for the last couple I had been growing it out after a tragic haircut where the hairdresser cut my bangs as short as Mia Farrow’s and I went home crying, face down on my bed, having to be comforted by my little niece, convincing me that “No, I did not look like a boy and she really did like it”.  That was a shining Aunt Kim moment.  I can still hear the shrieks of my friends at work when they first saw it.

Eyes, closed, going to my happy place.

Anyhow, after that tragedy I was so afraid to let anyone near it and I grew it out to a few inches past shoulder length.   I was really enjoying it when one of my girlfriends showed up at a party, her hair freshly chopped and I was reminded of how fun short hair is.  I started to realize that long hair, limp, straight long hair, like mine, doesn’t do a whole lot, and by the end of the day would just lay down my head looking like I just couldn’t be bothered to do anything with it that day.  My sister (Who’s name we do not speak) was born with these fantastic curls and I was born with stick straight lameness.  My friend’s new haircut was my inspiration.  Of course the entire time I was in the chair getting it cut I held onto my bangs, threatening the hairdresser that if she cut them, I would cut her.

I started with a little chin length bob cut that I found online on a picture of Meg Ryan.  Super cute.  A few days into the style I couldn’t get it to look like the picture that I modeled it after, and just didn’t feel like me.  Then, low and behold I walk into work behind a woman that is 20 years older than me, at least, with the same exact haircut!  What’s that?  I now have the hipster hairstyle of the older lady in my office.  AGH!!!!  I did what I should have done in the first place.  I went into my computer archives and printed out my good old reliable picture of Gwyneth Paltrow’s super short haircut, from the movie Sliding Doors.  I have worn it for years and love, love, love it!!  If you have never seen this movie or haircut you really should Google it.   It is just darling.  That was just what I needed.

So to sum up, I have a sassy haircut, ever improving under eye skin, and things are going great.  Now if only Santa would bring me a live-in maid and chef this year my life would be perfect.  Oh, and that magic pill where you lose weight the more bacon and cheese you eat. 

Turkey Day

Kyle and I have hosted Thanksgiving for the last four years, basically every year since we bought our house.  We love to entertain, so we lucked out to find a house that was very open.  We love it when everyone is together.  We usually have between 20 and 25 in attendance.  Needless to say, it’s a lot of work.

This year, starting several months ago, I began the conversation, with Kyle, that I would rather someone else host this year.  I wanted a break!  I wanted to go to someone else’s house and be a guest…. to eat, drink and be merry and then to simply get to go home and not have to clean up after an entire party.  Kyle was completely opposed to this thought.  He loves to have the whole family over and so the arguments began. 

I had to really think about it and, as my husband treats me like a princess and I always get my way, I decided to give in and host with him.  It really means a lot to him, and our entire family.  Hooray, let the planning begin!!! 

The invitations were sent and the RSVP’s started pouring in.  This year our number had grown to 31, the most ever.  We always rent chairs and move all the furniture out of our front two rooms so everyone eats together.  We set up one really long table and then two smaller side tables.  (I’ve included a few pictures of the house before the guests arrived and the craziness started)  It is a really great set up.  I decided to find my happy place and prepare for a party.

Turns out it was the most fun year ever.   With the wine flowing, two turkeys, two crock-pots of mashed potatoes and a variety of other dishes ready, we all sat down and ate until we were all uncomfortably, yet happily full.  Six of our nieces and nephews came and we got to spend some quality time with 19 year old niece, Mary, who lived with us during her first year of college.  She has a busy, crazy life and we miss seeing her so much.  That was wonderful.

There are 3 little ones in the family right now, all under the age of 3 and they provided quite the little show for our post dinner entertainment.  My cousin’s little 3 year old boy even grabbed the metal handle off my father-in-law’s oxygen cart and began strumming it like a guitar and singing along with a Tom Petty song.  It was damned adorable.

All in all it was a wonderful day and we took our time cleaning up.  We are definitely not the type of people that are anal about rushing to clean up after a party.  Plates, silverware, water glasses, etc. for 31 people takes a while to run through the dishwasher, not to mention all the serving dishes to hand wash.  After our guests left we plopped down on the couch with the biggest glasses of wine that we own and just vegged out. 

I am thankful for so many things.  I have a wonderful life.  I’m madly in love with my husband, I have great friends and a wonderful family.  I’m still hoping for that lotto win but, in the mean time, I count my blessings and continue on my life’s journey.  To eat, drink as much chardonnay as possible, and never, ever, take myself too seriously.

Oh, and as much as I thought I didn’t want to host this year, I’m already looking forward to hosting again next year. 

Froggie Hide and Seek.

A few years ago, after an overnight visit from my sister’s children, we found a little plastic green frog left behind.  Usually we would just create a little pile of things that were left behind to give to her next time we got together.  For whatever odd reason, however, this time we kept the frog and a game began.  I wish I could remember the way it all started but I can pretty much guess it was Chardonnay induced. 

Anyhow we began taking turns hiding the little frog in either the kitchen or attached family room.  The rules were that it had to be in one of those two rooms only, and always in plain sight.  You just wouldn’t believe how entertaining this turned out to be.  Sometimes it would take you days to find it, only to be sitting on the couch one night, your eyes drift somewhere and BAM, there it is, gracefully perched on the leaf of a plant.

When our 18 year old niece moved in with us, during her first year of college, she even joined in.  This upped the fun crazily, as it added a third person’s ideas on where to hide it.  Every time her boyfriend came to visit he would walk straight to the kitchen and try to find it immediately.  These are all grown people enjoying finding a little plastic frog.  

The next time my little 3 year old niece came to stay she spotted the frog and asked to play with it.  Um, eh, that frog?  That frog that Uncle Kyle and I are having endless hours of entertainment hiding from each other?  Can you believe how hard it was for me to let her play with this little frog?  I watched her like a hawk, fearing she’d put it somewhere and we’d never find it again.  You’d think I was letting her hold my wedding ring or something.  God no, don’t let her lose our little frog!!   I finally distracted her with a Barbie and took the frog and put it in my pocket.  Immature yes, but hey, I realize my insanity.

The kicker occurred when we went on a cruise last year.  At the last minute I decided to grab the frog and threw him in my purse.  At one point, in our cabin, I set it out on one of the ledges and waited.  Later that night I was in the bathroom, getting ready, and I heard Kyle laugh out loud and yell to me that he found it.  It makes me smile to even think about it.  It’s lucky when you find something so simple in life that can entertain you so much. 

I’ve included a picture of the frog, so you can see how cute and small it is, along with one of my more clever hiding places.

And I do know what a lot of you are thinking.  Damn these people need an Xbox.

  

Here's to good friends..

Kyle and I had a four day weekend this past week and had a wonderful time together.  We stayed in our pajamas all day on Thursday and just lounged around and watched random stuff on TV.  Friday we went out to lunch and to the new Denzel Washington movie, it was amazing, by the way and then came home and made a nice dinner together.  It was a much needed break from the crazy hustle of our work lately.

We are also extremely blessed to live in a neighborhood where we have amazing neighbors.  As you are aware, we are not afraid to party, and we are so happy to be surrounded by fun people with the same interests.  Booze, laughs and stories.  Sunday afternoon one of our favorite couples hosted everyone to a football party, complete with tons of good food and many, many bottles of wine.  Our group  is made up of 7 or so couples, ranging in all ages and professions.  We have everything from a Detective to a Rocket Scientist, no I'm not kidding, to a Store Clerk, etc.   It makes for some really different points of view and stories.

We stayed until we had as much food as we could eat, and a nice little buzz, and came home to lounge on the couch for the remainder of the evening and go to bed early.  Whenever we start to feel down about our inability to have children we think back to nights and days like this and realize we have it pretty good.
I mean, yes, it would be nice to be awakened in the middle of the night to crying babies, or to never make it through an entire TV show uninterrupted but for now, we'll settle for the fun of wine, good friends, and relaxing time together. 

If at first I don't succeed.... Botox

Ok, so I’ve said before that I don’t mind getting wrinkles because they are all from the smiles I’ve had over the years.  I have to admit that my stance has changed on that.  My new stance is, TO HELL WITH THAT!  I have started noticing more and more lines under my eyes and I’ve become obsessed.  I’ve been trying all kinds of different products but haven’t found the miracle cure just yet.  I obsess over it.  Every night when I get home from work I begin my ritual.  I wash off my eye make-up and begin applying eye wrinkle cream every time I get off the couch, ALL NIGHT LONG. 

I was complaining to my friend Jodi about it and she turned me on to a product she’s used in the past called StriVectin, which runs at about $60 for a little 1 oz. tube.  Of course I ran right out and bought it, and have been using it for 2 weeks now.  This product, originally, was formulated to remove stretch marks and such.  Naturally I thought to myself, Hey, if this product is good enough to remove stretch marks from women’s asses and stomachs it’s good enough for my sensitive under eye area.

After recovering from the shock of how much I was willing to spend on a little tube of eye cream, my poor husband just rolls his eyes.  I have read that a healthy diet and less alcohol consumption are a very good idea as well.  I’ve considered this, but let’s not get crazy here.  I mean, there are professionals out there with needles full of Botox and peels and such who need to make a living. 

As I’m sure you are all just dying to find out if it works and if I am transformed back to younger looking Kim, don’t worry your pretty little heads.  Updates will be forthcoming.

Movie Sequels That Never Were.

Have you ever thought about the really classic movies that would have rocked in a sequel?  I have.  For an example, Sixteen Candles.  How great would it be to find out whatever happened the next day after Jake Ryan picked Samantha up outside her sister's wedding, leaning all sexy against his Porche, and then kissing her over a birthday cake, candles ablaze?  Did they go upstairs and romp it out?  Did her puffy taffeta bridesmaid dress instantly ignite while she leaned over the cake for her first kiss, causing her to jump off the table, trashing the cake and managing to catch the curtains on fire while running for water to put herself out?

And what about the little geek she gave her panties to that ended up driving the prom queen home in Jake's dad's Rolls Royce?  We know they already did the deed.  Did they end up dating in a 'Can't Buy Me Love' type fashion, so he could end up the newest most popular guy in school?  Come on, admit it.  These stories are screaming to be told.

As long as we're talking Molly Ringwald, let's have another one.  The Breakfast Club.  It is by far one of the most famous and timelessly relatable movies I've ever seen.  Wouldn't you like to know what happens on Monday?  Do the jock and basket case really hook up?  Do the princess and the criminal start an illicit affair or does she slip him a secret note asking for her diamond earring back?  This sequel screams box office hit.

You might be thinking "Who's mind works this way?  Who has the bandwidth in their brain to take time for these sort of thoughts?"  Maybe I'm the world's biggest dork thinking these things.  But hey, someone has to be.  And yes, my husband is a saint.

Just because I can.

My sister, who will remain nameless, and I are best girl friends.  We are very close in age but just complete opposites.  I am loud and outgoing, never a doubt if I'm in a room, while she is quiet and reserved.  She is a very private person and the thought of the grocery store knowing what she buys via the swipe of her value card is enough to make her uncomfortable, let alone the thought that I might actually mention her name on my blog.  Yes, that is right.  I'm all out there with my picture and my life, well the parts I want to share with you, to read (Quick shout out to all my Russian readers) and she just shudders at the thought.

When I first started writing it, and told her about it, she rolled her eyes and thought it was just silly.  I couldn't get her to read it to save my life even though all my readers that do know her, told her how amusing it was.

Having established this, we were at the salon together on Saturday chatting and getting our hair done.  Our quick talk about my blog went like this:

My Sissy:  Yeah, I read your blog on Smart Cars and now I just can't read anymore. 

Me:  What?  Why?

Sissy:  You typed "If your stupid Smart Car is broken down on the side of the road don't even ask me to help you."

Me:  Yes, I did, and?

Sissy:  Head shaking, eye rolling sigh.  You are a freak.

Me:  Look, everyone else finds me funny so if you don't read my blog, I'll write about you including your name and a giant picture.

Sissy:  You do and I'll shut your shit down...I know how and don't think I won't do it.

Chills people, that little sweet sister of mine can be a little scary.

And, it's always scarier when the 'quiet ones' deliver a Soprano style threat.  Needless to say I'll be calling her Wilma or Sissy from here on out.  And if there ever is a picture of her on here, or her name mentioned, I hope you read it fast because something tells me, she would find a way to 'shut my shit down' quickly.

I love Barbie

This past Saturday night Kyle and I went to a fundraiser complete with a dinner and silent auction.  We love this type of event.  We hosted a fundraiser at our own home three years in a row, for the Hemophilia Society of Colorado, and had a silent auction each year.  It’s a great way to raise money and people really have fun trying to out bid each other to win.  Having been successful raising money for our cause we always try to participate in others.

Was it the art work or the spa packages that lured me in this time?  Oh no, it was the 2000 collector’s edition Barbie.  Yes, you read me right.  I love Barbie.  I have no children so I never got the chance to fill a little girl’s room with Barbie mansions and cars and horses.  That’s right, sigh, poor me.  Every time we are shopping for one of our nieces and we pass the Barbie aisle I have to stop and check it all out.  I mean she is just awesome right?

Perfect body, fantastic clothes, amazing hair, let’s face it, the woman has it going on.

My husband proposed to me on New Years Eve 2000, at a black tie event, so I convinced myself that I needed this Barbie as a girly and beautiful reminder of that night.  I bid on her and made Kyle go over three times during dinner to make sure I was still the top bidder.  Yes, that husband of mine is the best, THE BEST I TELL YOU!

I left that night victorious.  I have my new Barbie and am quite pleased with her.  Don’t you think she seems right at home in my closet?

Plus there is the hidden bonus of me knowing what I want my New Year’s Eve dress to look like this year. 

Smart Car???

           

It just baffles me why anyone in their right mind would by a Smart Car.  I mean, seriously.  You people do realize that if you are in an accident with say, a bicycle, you are dead and your car is totaled.  It really does make me wonder if it isn’t similar to the Darwin Awards.  You know, chlorinating the gene pool to rid the world of the kind of people willing to be seen in such a small, unsafe little car.  Perhaps the car’s creators thought, “There are some real morons out there and they need to be weeded out of society.  I know, let’s invent a car that is about as safe as a giant beer can with wheels, and sell it to all those planet loving, recycle crazed, hemp wearing people.  That should do it.”  It reminds me of the Yugo.  You remember the Yugo don’t you?  The tiny ‘Second Car for Your Family’ that sold for a little under $4K.  You notice how you don’t see those cars around anymore?  It’s because they are all rusting in the ‘Piece of crap car graveyard’ somewhere polluting the planet, having been crushed to death by all the big grown up cars.

I drive an SUV.  A giant, V8, gas guzzling, environment ruining SUV.  Hey, don’t look at me like that.  I recycle.  I donate old clothes to charity, I use the recycle paper bins at work, hey, I even drop my daily pop can in appropriate bin in the kitchen at work.  It’s not that I’m against the planet.  What I’m against are those lame little cars on the road.  They just look so stupid and so very dangerous.  Do you know the guilt you Smart Car drivers are putting other drivers like me through?  No, I’m not talking about the guilt of us others wasting our precious resources by using all the crude oil on the planet, I’m talking about the guilt I will feel when I run over what I think is a speed bump and, in fact, it’s you and your Smart Car squashed underneath my SUV, like a pop can under my foot.  You should be ashamed of yourself for even putting me through the possibility.

And no, when your Smart Car breaks down, although it would fit, I won’t put it in the back of my SUV and take you to the garage.

Pretty in Pink.

Last week my sister and I took Thursday and Friday off work so we could paint and redecorate my niece’s bedroom.  She’ll be 4 in December and it was time to update her room and ‘Princessize it’.  She loves pink and everything and anything to do with princesses.  She is a girly girl who loves to wear skirts and spin around so she can watch them spin out from her.  I love this little girl with all my heart.

Thursday we painted and had the whole day to ourselves.  My sister is my best friend so we had a total blast.  With life being the crazy ride that it is we don’t get to see each other enough so it was absolute bliss.  I am a crazy fan of pink.  I love it and thought the room looked so perfect all pink.  My sister, however, felt like she was locked inside a Pepto- Bismol bottle and had to fight back a panic attach.  Relax, I told her.  It’s all about your little princes.

I spent the night on Thursday night, sleeping in the master bedroom with my sis and niece; her super cool husband crashed on the couch.  Those of you who read my blog will know that this means my poor sister had one of the worst nights of sleep of her life.  My husband, at home, had one of his best.  Go figure.  

Friday we decorated and I had the best time ever.  If I had a little girl this is exactly the type of room I’d do for her.  It turned out so great and her little face all lit up and smiley was just what we were hoping for.  She was thrilled and just loved it! We put her toys in really neat tubs so her toys could be separated and easy to see.  We attached princess decals to the wall over her bed that are peal and stick so if she decides to rip them off, they can be moved anywhere in the room.  Also, check out the cool butterflies.  They are 3 dimensional and look like they are fluttering up the wall.  

 

My husband and I don’t have any children of our own so when I get the opportunity to do something like this it fills a void.  Painting and decorating for a princess - two days of working our butts off, getting to go home and drink wine with my husband in our kid free home - priceless. 

Pharmacist vs. Liquor Store Owner

My husband and I were discussing how much we enjoy living in Castle Rock, Colorado.  It’s such a quaint town with an intimate town feel but with all the major stores you need.  We love to go out to breakfast on the weekends and frequent a few spots.  Having lived here for over four years we know all the wait staff and owners at each place.  It’s just a nice feeling to know people and experience that kind of familiarity. 

It’s nice until you wonder, which is the worst sign of our increasing ages and chosen lifestyle.  We are wine drinkers.  We love to come home, drink wine, and sit and relax each evening after work.  I mean, come on, if one glass of wine a day is good for you then several must be even better?  Right?  Okay so we are drinkers.

Next, we are both on several prescriptions each day for various things ranging from a sluggish thyroid to high blood pressure to asthma, etc.  Yes, getting old begins to show up on your body whether you eat right and work out or not.  (I am just assuming this part, as we don’t eat right and there is no way in hell we do anything resembling working out.)

Oh come on, all those healthy people are going to be lying in hospital beds someday, dying of absolutely nothing, and wondering why the hell they didn’t take the time to drink and eat and be merry. 

Anyhow, I’m getting to my point of this rant.  We were actually laughing the other day about which is a worst sign of the way you live your life; the fact that your pharmacist knows your name and starts to pull out your prescriptions as you approach the counter, or every liquor store in town knows you by name and makes sure they stash your wine in the back of the fridge so nobody takes the last one?

You have to admit, it’s a conundrum.

So my dog's bitch...

As I have written time and time again, I am sooo my dog’s bitch.  Hey, don’t look at me like that.  I know it is pathetic to some of you, and others of you that will smile and nod along with this post, as you are just as pathetic. (Pathetic = Loving)

Anyhow, Lucy is the sweetest little manipulative dog in the whole world.  She totally knows who the weak parent is too. 

Here’s example #1:  Kyle gets home from work before me, Lucy greets him, goes outside to go potty, both #1 & #2, and back in for a few treats, content to grab her pony, http://kimwyote.blogspot.com/2010/09/our-little-girl-turned-11-years-old.html, and settle in. 

Here’s example #2:  I get home, Lucy greets me and immediately gets treats.  She waits for me to change clothes and starts growling and pawing at me until I let her outside.  She only does # 1 or #2 at this point but not both.  Oh no, she knows she’ll get to go back out again for a third round of treats.  You see where this is going right?

I am her sucker!!!  Kyle, meanwhile, sits happily in his chair the rest of the night as Lucy sits and stares at me, growls at me and generally just drives me fucking ape shit.  Oh, I get it blog readers.  I’ve created this monster.  She is just too cute to say no too.  

Oh but don’t think I don’t know when to say no.  After she finishes her first Curious George coffee mug full of water, which lives on my nightstand each night, and begins scratching and pawing at it, I tell her only one more.  Ha, I show her who’s boss.

Why I want to come back as a Pig in my next life..

A single work friend of mine, we'll call her Candy, just recently started dating a new guy.  He's cute, he's built, with a couple of nice tattoos and things are going really well for her.  My other 'fellow-old- married- hag' friend, Jodi, and I like to live vicariously through our newly dating friend as we've both been married since before television switched over to color from black and white.  Okay, not that long, but you get my drift.

So we ask daily details of dates they've been on but no real action had taken place yet.  A couple kisses and stuff but come on, we want some throw down, sweaty, up against the wall, sex stories.  You know, the awesome kind you have when you first start banging someone new.  (Yes, Griffin, I did just type banging)

Low and behold this last Monday Candy is in early.  I mean folks this girl doesn't hit the office until after 8:30 or she spontaneously catches on fire.  Remember that one time Jodi?  It wasn't pretty.  Anyway I arrive to already find her at her desk and when I ask what she is doing here so early her reply is that her new man, we'll call him Kain, had an 8:00 meeting.   Bam Chicka Wah Wah.

Yes folks, Candy is glowing from head to toe and has been engaged in some between the sheets kind of action.  I'm serious to, you could just see her radiant glow from the space shuttle.  So we asked her about it and she said the first time was a bit awkward, just trying to figure each other out.  Then she made me laugh so hard I almost peed myself.  She asked if I'd ever seen "Along Came Polly", the Jennifer Aniston movie.  Well yes,  I reply.  She throws her arms up and yells "50!!".   I'm laughing now just thinking about it.  For those of you who haven't seen it, the first time her and Ben Stiller's character have sex he is thinking the entire time that he has to last as long as he can.  He starts counting in his head and as soon as he can't take it anymore, and blows his load, he yells out "50!"  As in, sadly, he only made it that long.  That got me thinking about men and women and the differences between how long it takes each one to “blow”.

You might be wondering where the title for this particular blog comes from.  Okay, here goes.  My "Jerry Springer - closing thought of the day" goes something like this.  How is it fair that we bump and grind for as long as we do to achieve that amazing, explosive, mind numbing moment that only about 30 seconds whereas when pigs have orgasms, they last up to 30 minutes?  It just doesn't seem fair does it?

Think about that for a minute or two next time you are deciding what you’d come back as if you had to do it all again.  Me, I’m going for the pig.

Breast Cancer Awareness Part 1

This month is, as I’m sure you are all aware, Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  I write a lot of blogs with humor and random craziness but this is one time I’ll be serious.  It could not be more important to each and every woman on the planet to know their own bodies and be fully aware of their breasts.  Oddly enough some women still find it uncomfortable, even weird to talk about it, but it could not be more important to know each bump or oddity in our own breasts, so we are aware when something new appears.   Take the 60 seconds in the shower while your hair conditioner is doing its thing.  It truly can be the difference between life and death.  Early detection truly does mean early cure and I can prove it.

My mother in law is the single most amazing woman I have ever met in my entire life.  She is the matriarch of our family and has an amazing ability to keep everyone in contact and, in doing so, keeps us all one big, close and happy family.  I am not close with my own Mother or Father so in marrying my husband I got the parents I always dreamed of, they are the ones I call Mom and Dad.

Moving on, a small lump was located in my Mother’s breast and, after a series of routine tests, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Here’s one of the kickers.  My Dad has a chronic lung condition and was in the hospital for one of his major surgeries while this selfless woman sat by his bedside telling us nothing of this.  She never takes attention on herself, never will, and uses all her energy and attention focusing on others.  After his surgery was over she let us know that she was awaiting tests to find out if she had breast cancer.  This amazing woman kept to herself that she was scared to death, waiting for news that she might have cancer, and just kept taking care of everyone else, as always. The week we waited for this news was one of the longest of our lives

She and my Dad didn’t leave the house for the entire time they were waiting for the doctor’s call with either good news or bad news.  They finally went stir crazy and went to one of our nephew’s basketball games.  She got the call at the game.  It was bad news…yes, she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

A Winter Weather 'Shit Advisory'

As promised…

My husband and I used to go up to our family’s cabin in Winter Park all the time.  We loved getting away, the snow, the smell and sound of a crackling fire and just being among the trees and mountains.  Our dog Lucy loved it as much as we did.  She could run forever in the snow, chasing squirrels and just tearing it up.  We take her with us a lot in the car.  We are a family after all. 

One trip, in particular, stands out above the rest.  Not because of little snow bunnies hopping playfully in the snow, or witnessing an adorable snowball fight amongst topless male swimsuit models.  No, it was another thing entirely.  Let me set the tone for you….

It was a very cold winter evening, the week was over, our car was loaded up and we were headed to the cabin.  Lucy always spends her time hopping back and forth between Kyle’s lap and mine.  We were just passing the little town of Empire about to head up over Berthold Pass.  We had literally just been commenting on what a good car dog Lucy had always been, etc, etc.   Low and behold the Karmic Gods were listening to our conversation and decided to take a big old crap on our good fortune.  And when I say a crap what I really mean to say is a gigantic waterfall of hot and stinky dog diarrhea, ALL OVER ME!! 

Lucy, out of nowhere, started jumping back and forth between Kyle’s lap and mine and acting all freaked out.  We couldn’t for the life of us figure out what she was going on about.   “What’s that Lucy?  Little Timmy is stuck in a well somewhere?”  No that wasn’t it.  For a good minute and a half we both were totally perplexed as to what was going on and all of a sudden one of us realized “She needs to go potty”!!! 

Ok, there is not exactly a great place to pull over at this point and just as we are frantically trying to decide what to do Lucy, on my lap mind you, releases this horrifically loud fart and, with it, a shower of liquefied diarrhea so fierce that there are no words to truly describe the horror.  Oh, but I’m gonna try… 

My hand is under her butt so it, naturally is filled.  I have it running between my fingers, spreading all over the front of me, into the seatbelt latch, all over the seat, thank God for leather.  Oh and the smell.  We’ve all smelled dog shit before but you really have to imagine what it is like to be trapped in a car with a shit covered dog and the feel of the hot stinky liquid running through the fabric of your clothes and marrying with your skin.  I must tell you folks, there isn’t anything I’ve experienced since that was even close. 

Have I ever mentioned my husband’s gag reflex?  No, well he’s got one.  A bad one.  Okay so here’s me, clinching my eyes shut and making some of the most disgusted and grossed out noises ever recorded and Kyle has the window rolled down attempting to not start dry heaving.  He pulls over to the only public place, a little last minute mini shop of sorts, also at the base of the Pass, and I jump out, getting Lucy on a leash.  He runs around the car to examine the damage.  I’m not kidding you, it was something out of a Saturday Night Live skit.  There I am, with this horrendously colored, choke you to death, watery, oily shit paste plastered all over me.  I’m covered from just below my chest to the bottom of my legs.  My poor dog is also covered and jumping around like, “Hey, what a relief that was, let’s play”.  I am standing there, holding my arms out like I’m hoping to take flight, all the while attempting to control her so my husband can go inside and try to get a roll of paper towels, a bucket, a hose, hell anything to help the situation.  Can you just picture me?  Standing there in that state watching cars just drive on by.   Sometimes I’m gagging at the stench wafting off of me, sometimes moaning and staring at my little happy shit covered dog wondering what the hell we’re going to do.  Oh and have I mentioned it’s freezing cold?  I mean it was cold before I was drenched in doggy butt vomit but now….

It seemed like about 15 minutes passed, the shit stained pair of us freezing our asses off and finally my husband comes out to clean us up. 

Apparently the lady who owns the little store, nice as she is, is a bit of a talker.  Not a good time for a talker.  As you can imagine it took a very long time to get the dog clean and I was fortunate enough to have clothes with me to change into as we were going for the weekend.  The store owner let me come in and clean up and all was eventually well.

Needless to say it was not quite the relaxing weekend we had planned, what with the cleaning products, q-tips in all the little cracks and tiny places, and the smell of fresh shit in the air.  Somehow though, Lucy still had quite the good time. 

Delay

I know I haven't posted in several days.  My life just had a little busy bump and then I caught a cold and yadda yadda yadda.  I will get some new posts going over the next couple of days so hang in there and stay tuned.  One will even be about dog diarrhea so you know you'll be checking back. 

Movie Critic For a Day

Okay I love to go to the movies.  In fact, the way to tell if I really like a movie is to count the number of times I see it in the theater.  If I see it once it's either lame as shit or just okay.  If I like it I go back at least once.  I saw The Town, co-written, directed, and starring Ben Affleck and I give it two hard nippled enthusiastic thumbs up.  Now I think we can all agree that Ben has made his share of crap ass movies, haven't a lot of those Hollywood folks, but this movie is worth owning when it hits DVD.  I saw it this last weekend with my husband and his parents and returned last night with my sister and a buddy.  Yes, it is that good.  I am, as those of you who read my blog regularly, madly in love with my husband, but I have to say that, after seeing this movie, I am adding his Brooklyn accented, blue collared ass to my laminated "Can Do Hollywood List".

The movie is about, not giving anything away that isn't on the previews, a group of four friends that rob banks together and the chemistry and nuances of their daily lives.  The cast ensemble is just so perfectly matched, and I'd be willing to bet that the upcoming award season is going to love this movie.  The actors are solid, the directing is fantastic and the screenplay was so well written that it keeps you thinking about it even after it's over.   I haven't seen a movie this good in so long that I can't even begin to compare it to anything within the year.

Go see this movie.  Oh, and for those men out there...Blake Lively with her long blond hair and 15 foot long legs is in it and looks smoking hot just for you.

Lucy

Okay, I ask you... how in the world could you say no to this face?  I mean sure, she would rather lay on the accent pillows in our family room than her own dog bed.  Not to mention she won't even let me into bed at night until I've filled up her Curious George coffee mug with water and set it on my bedside table. I live to kiss that little nose.  She really makes our life so happy. 

Panties and Post it Notes.

We had a much needed laugh at work today.  A couple girlfriends of mine came over to the group that I work with and had a tale to tell.  Have you ever had a day when you were walking along and looked down and, hey, low and behold, there is a quarter or a penny facing heads up?  That’s always fun right?  Oh, no, not today.  Today these girls stumbled upon a pair of purple thong panties lying on the floor in the hallway of our office building.  Oh, and apparently, they weren’t exactly little panties either.  Which, and I’m not sure why, makes it seem even more odd and creepy than if they were petite little ones. 

I’m sure your thought is the same as ours was.  How will the company wide email read, that states there is a lost and found item, just waiting to be claimed at the front desk? 

“Attention all employees, a pair of purple thong panties, size medium, slightly warn, have been found in the east hallway on the 2^nd floor.  If you think they are yours, please come to the reception desk and describe them.”

It’s not like a bracelet or some car keys.  It’s panties for heavens sake!  Did the person who owns them wear a skirt and just didn’t notice them sliding down with each step until they were off all together and just kept walking?  Did someone intend to be sexy and hand them to their co-worker, whom they are having a sultry affair with and, oops, they didn’t realize they had dropped them, only to be too embarrassed to retrace their steps and grab them?   How do panties end up in a hallway of an office building in the middle of the day?

Surely there is a rational explanation.  It is at least grounds for everyone to realize that a dryer sheet helps cut down on static cling, therefore discouraging your un-mentionables from catching a ride on the back of your sweater to work.   Anyhow, it was a fun thing for a Friday.

The tale of the barking dog..

Bark! Bark! Bark!

My husband and I are dog people.  We love dogs and think that every home should have at least one.  Our dog, Lucy is the center of our universe, as I’m sure you are aware from my posting of Lucy’s birthday blog.  We believe that dogs are a member of the family and ours even has her own water mug on the nightstand beside our bed.  I choose my dog over some people I know.  Well, that is another blog in itself entirely.   

We have this neighbor that lives behind us, two houses over, that has this little dog that sits on their deck and barks and barks and barks.  Morning, barking, after work, he’s barking.  I mean, hey, we love dogs but we don’t leave our dog out for hours on end, just to bark and bark and bark.  By the way, I’m going to use the word bark as many times as I can in this blog so I can win a free pair of steak knives. 

I digress.  Okay so this dog was barking this morning, on these people’s deck when we got up, and was barking for over two hours tonight when we got home.  Now we could choose to close our windows, crank up the volume on the TV. and pretend that it is not annoying the fuck out of us, or we could do something.  I mean come on!  We decided that it is nice outside and we should be allowed to have our windows open and not hear a dog barking his balls off.

Kyle grabs the car keys and drives up to the next coldesack and knocks on their door.  Low and behold, they aren’t home.  He comes back home, madder than a wet hen.  (I love that saying.  Who ever figured out why a hen got so mad at being wet?)  Needless to say, they aren’t home.  He writes out a note stating that if they don’t start bringing their dog in when they are away, so it stops barking and disturbing everyone, we will call animal control.

The dog goes on and on barking and crying for another hour or so.  All of a sudden our doorbell rings at about 9:30.  I just know who it is.  It’s ‘THEM’.  The gigantor-sized husband, kind of hanging back, and the wife, grasping our note in her hand, looking very annoyed and granny apple faced.  “Of course it couldn’t be our dog, are you sure you saw a dog outside on our deck?”  "Are you positive you saw a dog on our deck?"

Ok really??   No idiots, it must be the crazy drugs we are tripping on that have been making us think we saw a barking dog on your deck.  If  you deny it enough, we'll just believe we didn't really see it.  Obviously we are just plain crazy.    “We’d love to discuss it further”, we say, “But we are currently playing poker with dogs and it’s the teacup poodle’s turn to deal.”

Long story short, they denied it was their dog barking and were pretty peeved about our little warning note.  Guess what folks… ever since our nice little note, and their subsequent visit to our front door, the barking neighborhood dog hasn’t made a peep.  Hmmm interesting…..

As Kyle loves to say “Me thinks she doth protest too much”.   And for those of you who don’t speak Kyle:

That means “Bitch, Get off my porch!!”

I couldn't be more pleased.

I post these same stories on a blog I have on Wordpress.com.  Low and behold I am global because I received a comment from an associate for SafeLite Auto Glass.  I couldn't feel more global if Prince William gave me a shout out.  Ok, maybe that would top it, but just barely.

Here is her comment to my blog posting:

Jennifer from Safelite permalink

September 14, 2010 3:41 pm

I am incredibly sorry to hear about your *very* frustrating experience with us. I can certainly understand how you would be so upset, particularly with a new vehicle. I’m happy to research this issue and have someone from our customer advocates and local management team call you to rectify the situation ASAP. Please e-mail your work-order and/or contact details to OnlineHelp@Safelite.com and I’ll have someone do just that. Again, I sincerely apologize for this extremely frustrating experience.

Jennifer

Tee Hee...

Woman goes crazy and takes a windshield installer hostage....

I am generally a happy; glass is more than half full, kind of person. I am not that person today. I am about to use my favorite four lettered word many, many times.


Kyle and I decided it was time to get another SUV since winter is coming and, where we live, we get a huge amount of snow even when our metro area gets none. We drove several options that he had on his ‘wish list’ and then we found it. It was like the heavens parted and the sunlight shone down from above illuminating this black beauty with tan leather interior and all the bells and whistles. To quote Ferris Bueller “It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.” Or, in other words, this vehicle is fucking awesome!! It is one we have wanted for years and years but never thought we’d find one that we were willing to pay for, and, in such great shape. The only thing we wanted the dealership to do was to put new tires and a new windshield on it. They agreed to both and we were off and driving.

I picked it up on my way home on Tuesday and they came to put the new windshield on right at my office on Wednesday. Here comes the F word. Safelite Auto Glass fucking sucks ass!!!! Yes, I just typed that. I actually am tying so loudly that I might break a nail. I call it shout typing. Anyway, I hop in to drive this amazing vehicle home and all of a sudden I hear this sound coming from the windshield that can only be described as a Kazoo being blown by a tiny leprechaun standing on my dashboard.

Now, I’ve had windshields replaced on many different vehicles over the years. I know that sometimes it’s tough to get the seal just right and a follow up might be required. I simply called Safelite Auto Glass when I got home and told them of the problem. No worries, they would be out the next day to fix it. Upon hearing this, my husband is so pissed off, because he wants to drive his new car to work the next day, that I am worried he might pop a vein. Safelite comes back out to my office the next day and replaced the entire windshield, again, and apply new snaps and latches and doo hickeys. I’m sorry if I’m getting too technical but hey, that’s how I roll. Can you imagine my surprise when, on my way home, the same buzzing begins again? Not as bad as the day before, mind you, but still. Who the hell trained these people to replace windshields?

Fast forward to fix number three. My husband has called them and gone postal over the phone. When I say this, I mean to say that he got “I’ll cut a bitch” style mad at them. He demands that they do not send out “Jimmy”, the same tool they have sent out the first two times and knows as much about windshield installation as I do about 18th century poetry. They assure us that they are sending out the actual branch manager to fix this issue. Here’s my thoughts, stay with me a minute. When you are the kicker on a football team you have one job. Kick the ball through the fucking uprights. When you are a windshield company you have one job also. Put the fucking windshield on properly so it is sealed and correct the first time.

I left work tonight and the windshield is buzzing, yet again, and worse than ever. Let me put it to you this way. Our little Leprechaun is now completely drunk and his lung capacity on that damned Kazoo has increased ten fold. I’m seeing red at this point. I go from a normal mood to “TAKE A FUCKING HOSTAGE” mood really fast. I pulled over to call this wretched company and demand that it be fixed tonight, only to be told that they are so very sorry for my inconvenience, but there is nothing they can do until tomorrow. I was so mad, and was about to start yelling fuck, so I decided to tell the very nice, yet utterly powerless customer service guy, I’d better hang up before things got nasty.

All I can really say is, if you see a headline news story tomorrow night and it is “Woman goes crazy and takes a windshield installer hostage” you will know it’s someone you know, and it might make you think, huh, she really is off her rocker.

Tune in next time….

I found these in a local newspaper.

1957 vs 2010

Scenario 1:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2010 – Police are called and arrest Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board holds meeting to implement bullying prevention programs.



Scenario 2:
Robbie won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 – Robbie sent to the office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 – Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin and becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. Robbie’s parents get fort-nightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.



Scenario 3:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful business man.

2010- Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused, herself and their dad goes to prison.



Scenario 4:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2010 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


Okay, I didn’t come up with this myself but I found it very entertaining and thought my readers might, as well. I think we can all shake our heads and smile in agreement that these scenarios are pretty on point.

Scared to Death!

My mother’s birthday was this last Friday so my sister and her family met my mom, grandma, Kyle and I for dinner. We went to a family style place that serves as much fried and cholesterol packed food that you can eat for one bargain price. Yee haw! Oh, and there are also little goats and miniature cows that you can feed food pellets to, right out of your hand. Also, there is an indoor slide for the little kids to go down. It starts in one room and slides around and shoots the kids out onto the ‘front porch’ of this cute little cabin, which also doubles as the stage for the country band. It has several little country shops and a lake with ducks and just gorgeous landscaping. It was really fun. It was also 60 of the scariest seconds of my life.


My sister and her husband are a really fun couple to hang out with and she has both a son and daughter. I love them both dearly. My little niece, Rory, is 3 ½ and just the light of my life. When I say the light of my life I truly mean it. This little girl and I have a bond so special that it makes me smile and my heart feel like it could explode. She worships her Auntie Kimmie too. I love it whenever I pick her up, the second she sees me she runs as fast as she can with her adorable smile and jumps into my arms. I just want to squeeze the stuffing right out of her.

Okay, back to the restaurant. After I finished eating Rory started begging me to take her back to the slide. Of course I never say no to this little angel. More gum, sure. More candy, sure. A pony, you betcha. I grabbed her little hand and we headed back over to the slide. I dropped her off at the slide’s stairs and made my way over to the stage where I could sit and wait for her to come shooting out. The country band was up and playing in full swing. I sat down and listened for a minute and then realized that no kids were coming out of the slide. My mind started to click. Wait a minute, band on stage, no kids coming down the slide.

Holy Shit! Rory!! I jumped up and sprinted around the corner and up the very stairs that I had just watched my little angel run up a few moments before. When I got to the top and turned the corner I saw the gate in front of the slide closed and my heart stopped. It literally stopped. Time stood still and my head swam with about as much FREAK OUT as it could. Where was my niece? I began running around screaming her name, asking anyone and everyone if they had seen a little girl running around by herself. Oh my god, the baby. Where was she? I ran down the stairs and didn’t even know where to begin. I was frantic. It was only about a minute but it seemed like forever. All of a sudden I see my sister walking toward me holding Rory’s hand. That little baby made her way all the way through the restaurant, back to the table, and told them that she lost Kimmie. I picked her up and held her so tight and she said to me “Auntie Kimmie I was so scared”. It broke my heart. I told her I was too.

Next time I think I’ll just go down the slide with her. If I get stuck, at least I’ll know she’s with me.