Sleep Trifecta

As I’ve gotten older I’ve developed, so I’m told, a variety of night time sleeping habits that are less than enjoyable to those around me. The least annoying of which is snoring. I know what you are thinking. The least annoying? Snoring? Trust me, I’m about to take you on a ride. I’ve always been a snorer. My first roommate used to complain that she could hear my snoring all the way from her bedroom at night. Then when I moved in with my husband he made the same, head shaking, eye rolling claim. My god, how could so much noise come out of such a sweet little face? I’m told he would just poke me (and no, not in the fun way) and try to roll me over in an attempt to make it stop, if for just a little while where he could pray to fall into a deep coma before the chainsaw sound started again.

Fast forward a few years and the teeth grinding began. My husband has described this action as a noise worse than Freddy Krueger’s fingernails on a chalkboard, all 10 of them at once. He tells me that he ends up grabbing both sides of my face, in the attempt to get me to stop and wake up, but all it ends up doing is aggravated the hell out of him while I grind away, sound asleep. Finally we went to Sports Authority and got me a basic mouth guard. You know the kind the football players wear? Talk about sexy! So now my poor husband is sleeping with a snoring, mouth guard wearing goddess. How could he get any luckier?

Wait for it…then the kickboxing begins. I’m told this has been going on for about a year. Apparently I’ve added this to my nightly repertoire. I’m told it goes something like this: I start off kicking both legs in all directions. I get the covers all twisted up and half off the bed, one leg up in the air blocking the TV. He has told me that at times he has to lie sideways across the bed, his legs over mine, in the attempt to calm the madness. Can you just imagine? This poor man is lying in bed and thinking to himself that the ‘wild side of Kim’ used to be a lot more fun in bed, than this new version, and wondering just how much Benadryl he’d have to add to my nightly Chardonnay to get me into a comatose state.

I can’t wait to find out what I add to the lineup next. I sure hope it’s not my head spinning around and green vomit shooting out of my mouth….