A Winter Weather 'Shit Advisory'

As promised…

My husband and I used to go up to our family’s cabin in Winter Park all the time.  We loved getting away, the snow, the smell and sound of a crackling fire and just being among the trees and mountains.  Our dog Lucy loved it as much as we did.  She could run forever in the snow, chasing squirrels and just tearing it up.  We take her with us a lot in the car.  We are a family after all. 

One trip, in particular, stands out above the rest.  Not because of little snow bunnies hopping playfully in the snow, or witnessing an adorable snowball fight amongst topless male swimsuit models.  No, it was another thing entirely.  Let me set the tone for you….

It was a very cold winter evening, the week was over, our car was loaded up and we were headed to the cabin.  Lucy always spends her time hopping back and forth between Kyle’s lap and mine.  We were just passing the little town of Empire about to head up over Berthold Pass.  We had literally just been commenting on what a good car dog Lucy had always been, etc, etc.   Low and behold the Karmic Gods were listening to our conversation and decided to take a big old crap on our good fortune.  And when I say a crap what I really mean to say is a gigantic waterfall of hot and stinky dog diarrhea, ALL OVER ME!! 

Lucy, out of nowhere, started jumping back and forth between Kyle’s lap and mine and acting all freaked out.  We couldn’t for the life of us figure out what she was going on about.   “What’s that Lucy?  Little Timmy is stuck in a well somewhere?”  No that wasn’t it.  For a good minute and a half we both were totally perplexed as to what was going on and all of a sudden one of us realized “She needs to go potty”!!! 

Ok, there is not exactly a great place to pull over at this point and just as we are frantically trying to decide what to do Lucy, on my lap mind you, releases this horrifically loud fart and, with it, a shower of liquefied diarrhea so fierce that there are no words to truly describe the horror.  Oh, but I’m gonna try… 

My hand is under her butt so it, naturally is filled.  I have it running between my fingers, spreading all over the front of me, into the seatbelt latch, all over the seat, thank God for leather.  Oh and the smell.  We’ve all smelled dog shit before but you really have to imagine what it is like to be trapped in a car with a shit covered dog and the feel of the hot stinky liquid running through the fabric of your clothes and marrying with your skin.  I must tell you folks, there isn’t anything I’ve experienced since that was even close. 

Have I ever mentioned my husband’s gag reflex?  No, well he’s got one.  A bad one.  Okay so here’s me, clinching my eyes shut and making some of the most disgusted and grossed out noises ever recorded and Kyle has the window rolled down attempting to not start dry heaving.  He pulls over to the only public place, a little last minute mini shop of sorts, also at the base of the Pass, and I jump out, getting Lucy on a leash.  He runs around the car to examine the damage.  I’m not kidding you, it was something out of a Saturday Night Live skit.  There I am, with this horrendously colored, choke you to death, watery, oily shit paste plastered all over me.  I’m covered from just below my chest to the bottom of my legs.  My poor dog is also covered and jumping around like, “Hey, what a relief that was, let’s play”.  I am standing there, holding my arms out like I’m hoping to take flight, all the while attempting to control her so my husband can go inside and try to get a roll of paper towels, a bucket, a hose, hell anything to help the situation.  Can you just picture me?  Standing there in that state watching cars just drive on by.   Sometimes I’m gagging at the stench wafting off of me, sometimes moaning and staring at my little happy shit covered dog wondering what the hell we’re going to do.  Oh and have I mentioned it’s freezing cold?  I mean it was cold before I was drenched in doggy butt vomit but now….

It seemed like about 15 minutes passed, the shit stained pair of us freezing our asses off and finally my husband comes out to clean us up. 

Apparently the lady who owns the little store, nice as she is, is a bit of a talker.  Not a good time for a talker.  As you can imagine it took a very long time to get the dog clean and I was fortunate enough to have clothes with me to change into as we were going for the weekend.  The store owner let me come in and clean up and all was eventually well.

Needless to say it was not quite the relaxing weekend we had planned, what with the cleaning products, q-tips in all the little cracks and tiny places, and the smell of fresh shit in the air.  Somehow though, Lucy still had quite the good time. 

Delay

I know I haven't posted in several days.  My life just had a little busy bump and then I caught a cold and yadda yadda yadda.  I will get some new posts going over the next couple of days so hang in there and stay tuned.  One will even be about dog diarrhea so you know you'll be checking back. 

Movie Critic For a Day

Okay I love to go to the movies.  In fact, the way to tell if I really like a movie is to count the number of times I see it in the theater.  If I see it once it's either lame as shit or just okay.  If I like it I go back at least once.  I saw The Town, co-written, directed, and starring Ben Affleck and I give it two hard nippled enthusiastic thumbs up.  Now I think we can all agree that Ben has made his share of crap ass movies, haven't a lot of those Hollywood folks, but this movie is worth owning when it hits DVD.  I saw it this last weekend with my husband and his parents and returned last night with my sister and a buddy.  Yes, it is that good.  I am, as those of you who read my blog regularly, madly in love with my husband, but I have to say that, after seeing this movie, I am adding his Brooklyn accented, blue collared ass to my laminated "Can Do Hollywood List".

The movie is about, not giving anything away that isn't on the previews, a group of four friends that rob banks together and the chemistry and nuances of their daily lives.  The cast ensemble is just so perfectly matched, and I'd be willing to bet that the upcoming award season is going to love this movie.  The actors are solid, the directing is fantastic and the screenplay was so well written that it keeps you thinking about it even after it's over.   I haven't seen a movie this good in so long that I can't even begin to compare it to anything within the year.

Go see this movie.  Oh, and for those men out there...Blake Lively with her long blond hair and 15 foot long legs is in it and looks smoking hot just for you.

Lucy

Okay, I ask you... how in the world could you say no to this face?  I mean sure, she would rather lay on the accent pillows in our family room than her own dog bed.  Not to mention she won't even let me into bed at night until I've filled up her Curious George coffee mug with water and set it on my bedside table. I live to kiss that little nose.  She really makes our life so happy. 

Panties and Post it Notes.

We had a much needed laugh at work today.  A couple girlfriends of mine came over to the group that I work with and had a tale to tell.  Have you ever had a day when you were walking along and looked down and, hey, low and behold, there is a quarter or a penny facing heads up?  That’s always fun right?  Oh, no, not today.  Today these girls stumbled upon a pair of purple thong panties lying on the floor in the hallway of our office building.  Oh, and apparently, they weren’t exactly little panties either.  Which, and I’m not sure why, makes it seem even more odd and creepy than if they were petite little ones. 

I’m sure your thought is the same as ours was.  How will the company wide email read, that states there is a lost and found item, just waiting to be claimed at the front desk? 

“Attention all employees, a pair of purple thong panties, size medium, slightly warn, have been found in the east hallway on the 2^nd floor.  If you think they are yours, please come to the reception desk and describe them.”

It’s not like a bracelet or some car keys.  It’s panties for heavens sake!  Did the person who owns them wear a skirt and just didn’t notice them sliding down with each step until they were off all together and just kept walking?  Did someone intend to be sexy and hand them to their co-worker, whom they are having a sultry affair with and, oops, they didn’t realize they had dropped them, only to be too embarrassed to retrace their steps and grab them?   How do panties end up in a hallway of an office building in the middle of the day?

Surely there is a rational explanation.  It is at least grounds for everyone to realize that a dryer sheet helps cut down on static cling, therefore discouraging your un-mentionables from catching a ride on the back of your sweater to work.   Anyhow, it was a fun thing for a Friday.

The tale of the barking dog..

Bark! Bark! Bark!

My husband and I are dog people.  We love dogs and think that every home should have at least one.  Our dog, Lucy is the center of our universe, as I’m sure you are aware from my posting of Lucy’s birthday blog.  We believe that dogs are a member of the family and ours even has her own water mug on the nightstand beside our bed.  I choose my dog over some people I know.  Well, that is another blog in itself entirely.   

We have this neighbor that lives behind us, two houses over, that has this little dog that sits on their deck and barks and barks and barks.  Morning, barking, after work, he’s barking.  I mean, hey, we love dogs but we don’t leave our dog out for hours on end, just to bark and bark and bark.  By the way, I’m going to use the word bark as many times as I can in this blog so I can win a free pair of steak knives. 

I digress.  Okay so this dog was barking this morning, on these people’s deck when we got up, and was barking for over two hours tonight when we got home.  Now we could choose to close our windows, crank up the volume on the TV. and pretend that it is not annoying the fuck out of us, or we could do something.  I mean come on!  We decided that it is nice outside and we should be allowed to have our windows open and not hear a dog barking his balls off.

Kyle grabs the car keys and drives up to the next coldesack and knocks on their door.  Low and behold, they aren’t home.  He comes back home, madder than a wet hen.  (I love that saying.  Who ever figured out why a hen got so mad at being wet?)  Needless to say, they aren’t home.  He writes out a note stating that if they don’t start bringing their dog in when they are away, so it stops barking and disturbing everyone, we will call animal control.

The dog goes on and on barking and crying for another hour or so.  All of a sudden our doorbell rings at about 9:30.  I just know who it is.  It’s ‘THEM’.  The gigantor-sized husband, kind of hanging back, and the wife, grasping our note in her hand, looking very annoyed and granny apple faced.  “Of course it couldn’t be our dog, are you sure you saw a dog outside on our deck?”  "Are you positive you saw a dog on our deck?"

Ok really??   No idiots, it must be the crazy drugs we are tripping on that have been making us think we saw a barking dog on your deck.  If  you deny it enough, we'll just believe we didn't really see it.  Obviously we are just plain crazy.    “We’d love to discuss it further”, we say, “But we are currently playing poker with dogs and it’s the teacup poodle’s turn to deal.”

Long story short, they denied it was their dog barking and were pretty peeved about our little warning note.  Guess what folks… ever since our nice little note, and their subsequent visit to our front door, the barking neighborhood dog hasn’t made a peep.  Hmmm interesting…..

As Kyle loves to say “Me thinks she doth protest too much”.   And for those of you who don’t speak Kyle:

That means “Bitch, Get off my porch!!”

I couldn't be more pleased.

I post these same stories on a blog I have on Wordpress.com.  Low and behold I am global because I received a comment from an associate for SafeLite Auto Glass.  I couldn't feel more global if Prince William gave me a shout out.  Ok, maybe that would top it, but just barely.

Here is her comment to my blog posting:

Jennifer from Safelite permalink

September 14, 2010 3:41 pm

I am incredibly sorry to hear about your *very* frustrating experience with us. I can certainly understand how you would be so upset, particularly with a new vehicle. I’m happy to research this issue and have someone from our customer advocates and local management team call you to rectify the situation ASAP. Please e-mail your work-order and/or contact details to OnlineHelp@Safelite.com and I’ll have someone do just that. Again, I sincerely apologize for this extremely frustrating experience.

Jennifer

Tee Hee...

Woman goes crazy and takes a windshield installer hostage....

I am generally a happy; glass is more than half full, kind of person. I am not that person today. I am about to use my favorite four lettered word many, many times.


Kyle and I decided it was time to get another SUV since winter is coming and, where we live, we get a huge amount of snow even when our metro area gets none. We drove several options that he had on his ‘wish list’ and then we found it. It was like the heavens parted and the sunlight shone down from above illuminating this black beauty with tan leather interior and all the bells and whistles. To quote Ferris Bueller “It is so choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.” Or, in other words, this vehicle is fucking awesome!! It is one we have wanted for years and years but never thought we’d find one that we were willing to pay for, and, in such great shape. The only thing we wanted the dealership to do was to put new tires and a new windshield on it. They agreed to both and we were off and driving.

I picked it up on my way home on Tuesday and they came to put the new windshield on right at my office on Wednesday. Here comes the F word. Safelite Auto Glass fucking sucks ass!!!! Yes, I just typed that. I actually am tying so loudly that I might break a nail. I call it shout typing. Anyway, I hop in to drive this amazing vehicle home and all of a sudden I hear this sound coming from the windshield that can only be described as a Kazoo being blown by a tiny leprechaun standing on my dashboard.

Now, I’ve had windshields replaced on many different vehicles over the years. I know that sometimes it’s tough to get the seal just right and a follow up might be required. I simply called Safelite Auto Glass when I got home and told them of the problem. No worries, they would be out the next day to fix it. Upon hearing this, my husband is so pissed off, because he wants to drive his new car to work the next day, that I am worried he might pop a vein. Safelite comes back out to my office the next day and replaced the entire windshield, again, and apply new snaps and latches and doo hickeys. I’m sorry if I’m getting too technical but hey, that’s how I roll. Can you imagine my surprise when, on my way home, the same buzzing begins again? Not as bad as the day before, mind you, but still. Who the hell trained these people to replace windshields?

Fast forward to fix number three. My husband has called them and gone postal over the phone. When I say this, I mean to say that he got “I’ll cut a bitch” style mad at them. He demands that they do not send out “Jimmy”, the same tool they have sent out the first two times and knows as much about windshield installation as I do about 18th century poetry. They assure us that they are sending out the actual branch manager to fix this issue. Here’s my thoughts, stay with me a minute. When you are the kicker on a football team you have one job. Kick the ball through the fucking uprights. When you are a windshield company you have one job also. Put the fucking windshield on properly so it is sealed and correct the first time.

I left work tonight and the windshield is buzzing, yet again, and worse than ever. Let me put it to you this way. Our little Leprechaun is now completely drunk and his lung capacity on that damned Kazoo has increased ten fold. I’m seeing red at this point. I go from a normal mood to “TAKE A FUCKING HOSTAGE” mood really fast. I pulled over to call this wretched company and demand that it be fixed tonight, only to be told that they are so very sorry for my inconvenience, but there is nothing they can do until tomorrow. I was so mad, and was about to start yelling fuck, so I decided to tell the very nice, yet utterly powerless customer service guy, I’d better hang up before things got nasty.

All I can really say is, if you see a headline news story tomorrow night and it is “Woman goes crazy and takes a windshield installer hostage” you will know it’s someone you know, and it might make you think, huh, she really is off her rocker.

Tune in next time….

I found these in a local newspaper.

1957 vs 2010

Scenario 1:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1957 – Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2010 – Police are called and arrest Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School board holds meeting to implement bullying prevention programs.



Scenario 2:
Robbie won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 – Robbie sent to the office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 – Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin and becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. Robbie’s parents get fort-nightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.



Scenario 3:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 – Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful business man.

2010- Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused, herself and their dad goes to prison.



Scenario 4:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 – In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2010 – Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


Okay, I didn’t come up with this myself but I found it very entertaining and thought my readers might, as well. I think we can all shake our heads and smile in agreement that these scenarios are pretty on point.

Scared to Death!

My mother’s birthday was this last Friday so my sister and her family met my mom, grandma, Kyle and I for dinner. We went to a family style place that serves as much fried and cholesterol packed food that you can eat for one bargain price. Yee haw! Oh, and there are also little goats and miniature cows that you can feed food pellets to, right out of your hand. Also, there is an indoor slide for the little kids to go down. It starts in one room and slides around and shoots the kids out onto the ‘front porch’ of this cute little cabin, which also doubles as the stage for the country band. It has several little country shops and a lake with ducks and just gorgeous landscaping. It was really fun. It was also 60 of the scariest seconds of my life.


My sister and her husband are a really fun couple to hang out with and she has both a son and daughter. I love them both dearly. My little niece, Rory, is 3 ½ and just the light of my life. When I say the light of my life I truly mean it. This little girl and I have a bond so special that it makes me smile and my heart feel like it could explode. She worships her Auntie Kimmie too. I love it whenever I pick her up, the second she sees me she runs as fast as she can with her adorable smile and jumps into my arms. I just want to squeeze the stuffing right out of her.

Okay, back to the restaurant. After I finished eating Rory started begging me to take her back to the slide. Of course I never say no to this little angel. More gum, sure. More candy, sure. A pony, you betcha. I grabbed her little hand and we headed back over to the slide. I dropped her off at the slide’s stairs and made my way over to the stage where I could sit and wait for her to come shooting out. The country band was up and playing in full swing. I sat down and listened for a minute and then realized that no kids were coming out of the slide. My mind started to click. Wait a minute, band on stage, no kids coming down the slide.

Holy Shit! Rory!! I jumped up and sprinted around the corner and up the very stairs that I had just watched my little angel run up a few moments before. When I got to the top and turned the corner I saw the gate in front of the slide closed and my heart stopped. It literally stopped. Time stood still and my head swam with about as much FREAK OUT as it could. Where was my niece? I began running around screaming her name, asking anyone and everyone if they had seen a little girl running around by herself. Oh my god, the baby. Where was she? I ran down the stairs and didn’t even know where to begin. I was frantic. It was only about a minute but it seemed like forever. All of a sudden I see my sister walking toward me holding Rory’s hand. That little baby made her way all the way through the restaurant, back to the table, and told them that she lost Kimmie. I picked her up and held her so tight and she said to me “Auntie Kimmie I was so scared”. It broke my heart. I told her I was too.

Next time I think I’ll just go down the slide with her. If I get stuck, at least I’ll know she’s with me.

Our little girl turned 11 years old today.

So of course we bought her a pony.

Wouldn't you know it though....typical 11 year old.  She quickly moved on to her next toy.