Who's Driving Your Bus???

Life it too short to be unhappy with your significant other.  I have heard too many people complain about the person they have chosen to spend their life with.  Albeit, it’s not anything as horrible as ‘He or she is cheating, or wants to have sex with animals’, it’s just the daily bump and grind of life, and things just aren’t’ really that good.  I’m no expert, but as a person who has dated and been married, I know a little something about the subject.

I know so many people who are just, I’ll say it, fucking miserable with their current “love”.  I just don’t get it.  I know people, first hand, and have heard stories about, people who would rather just live miserably than find the courage to say ”No More”.  What is so wrong with accepting that you won’t take it anymore?  Let me put it in simpler terms.  You wouldn’t rent a DVD, watch for awhile, only to find out it is horrible, and continue watching, would you?  No, you would hit stop, pop it out of the player and turn on something that makes you happy.  Why don’t some people value their own lives as much as they would value the quality of a movie?  You wouldn’t let the person behind the counter, at a shop, talk down to you or treat you badly without calling for a manager to complain about the shitty service.

My biggest question then is… why do some people stay in a relationship that makes them miserable?  And no, I won’t take the “What if I don’t find anyone else?” as an excuse.  This is not a dress rehearsal, folks and why treat it as such? 

Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve had many drop down, drag ‘em out fights with my husband.  But guess what, and here’s the kicker for all you miserable hold outs, they went away.  I have never once spent even a 5 hour period mad and not talking to him.  There isn’t a married couple out there that doesn’t fight, that wouldn’t be normal.  However, I will never understand people that fight and don’t talk for days.  What the fuck people??? 

People will always have opposing thoughts, thank God!  I’m not saying they shouldn’t.  What I’m saying is that it makes me sad and mad as hell, to my core, when I know of people I truly love and respect that allow themselves to be treated like shit, time and time again, and they just keep going back for more.  Is it really so bad to think of being on your own?  Is it really better to be torn down and miserable every day of your life?

In closing, my soap box is so high that I get dizzy when I’ve had too much wine, just remember that if you wouldn’t let a stranger treat you like shit, don’t let your significant other.

Life is short and you should spend more time smiling and happy than not.  I, by the grace of God, have the one person in this world who truly completes me.  I want what I have for everyone.

Well, that and world peace.

The Whore Next Door

This past weekend Kyle and I pulled up along side our former neighbors.  We lovingly referred to these particular neighbors as ‘Shit Stain and Whore’.  Whore because, well, she really was a prostitute.  Shit Stain because they were a couple and he knew all about it, and obviously supported her doing this, and reveled in the money it made and all the toys they were able to buy.  I think they call that a “pimp”.  Let me give you the back story.

We move to the ultimate neighborhood in suburbia.  The cul-de-sac at the end of our street, at one time, had 25 or so children living and playing at it.  I’m talking family friendly, quiet, barbeque sharing bliss… picture the Desperate Housewives neighborhood (I know you’re gagging).  Welcome to

Wysteria Lane!

The people who moved into the house next door to us were nice enough… not the sharpest tools in the shed and somewhat trashy, but nice enough.  We are not uppity people by any sense of the word, I mean, we enjoy box wine, but these people were just banjo playing, white trash garbage.   They informed us shortly after we met them, (her) drunk off her ass, teetering on her stilettos in the driveway in a short little silk nighty, that “this house was their retirement and they did and sold everything it took to get it.”  I love sharing your most personal information amongst strangers.  Yay, neighbors for life!!   

The woman was 52 years old with a body only a plastic surgeon could build (and did).  Hot and tight, there is no denying it.  Her face was a little ‘rode hard, put away wet’ but I guess when you are a hooker, the body is what they are paying for.  She strutted her ass around their yard in super high heels, short shorts and the tightest tank tops she could fit her size double D’s into, even to just pick weeds.  The husband had a job (professional bowler) but not for long.  He didn’t need to work any longer once her business kicked in.

Kyle called me at work one day and informed me of his suspicions. He was sure that our neighbor was turning tricks out of her house.  Of course I think he is crazy and I tell him so.  At night we would be sitting out on our front porch, watching the sun go down and low and behold, she had some major traffic “cumming and going” from her house.  It was unbelievable!!  One car an hour, you could time it with an egg timer.  The men would pull up, be inside for about 55 minutes, come out and leave and the next car would pull up.  Ewwwww.  Once again, Ewwwwww. 

All the neighbors began comparing notes and man did it give us stuff to gossip about.  We figured out that she was advertising on Craig’s List and on an actual hooker website.  She called herself Busty Brandi.  She had a price list posted for crying out loud!!  The pictures she posted and the descriptions of who she was and what she could do were so crazy.  I mean, we’ve lived downtown.  We lived next door to a halfway house for crack addicts when we first started out.  Nothing shocked us like this woman.  She even put a little Christmas tree in her front window with red lights that she would turn on until the ‘John’ got there and then turn it off once he arrived.  Our very own little red light district.  That started because one of the guys went to the wrong house, across the street from her, one time.  Crazy right?  I couldn’t make this stuff up!!  

She had a regular who was pretty old and gross, one leg shorter than the other, who would limp up to her door once a week.  At one point she was up to 12 in one day.  Imagine that!  Having sex and, God knows what else, with upwards of 12 strangers a day.  I mean, folks, these guys were no Brad Pitts.  They were N A S T Y.   I guess if you are a whore that charges $250/hr you don’t care what they look, or smell like.

The grossest part of all is when her husband would drive by and see a car in their driveway.  He would wait at the end of the street until the guy left before he would go home.   Imagine that, “Honey, I’m home.  How many strangers did you fuck today?  Is that new blow job technique we worked on earning higher tips?”   

Us neighbors all shunned them and she eventually got busted and Channel 2 News was out front one day filming their house for the nightly news.  What a year of entertainment we had.  With all of us neighbors knowing what was up she could no longer do her work at home.  Her business must have declined because they finally abandoned the house and moved out.  That was quite the night of celebrating in our neighborhood!!!

We haven’t seen them since.  The tale has been told over and over.  You have to admit, it is quite entertaining.  When we pulled up next to them in traffic on Saturday, them in a very nice car that they didn’t have when they lived next door, obviously newly purchased with  hooker profits, we wanted to roll down the window and ask how business has been.

We decided to pass on the mocking.  I figure just being themselves in life has to be punishment enough.

Ahh, the suburbs.

What a Way to Start The New Year.

I don’t particularly believe in setting New Year’s Eve resolutions.  Well, last year I did proclaim that my resolution was to gain as much weight during the year as possible.  I mean, what is the point of a resolution if it’s not attainable?  I thought it best to pick one I could stick with and guess what?  It worked!

We were off for 11 straight days together over the holiday.  It was absolute bliss!  We shopped, had leisurely lunches, spent time with friends and family and drank a little wine (Okay a lot).  On weekends we have this thing we do where we wake up and fantasize what it would be like if only we could ring a bell so the butler could bring us breakfast in bed.  Well one day we did just that, minus the butler, of course.  Don’t get me wrong, the minute that lotto ticket comes in, butler shopping we will be.  One day we stayed in bed all day.  It was a day that finally decided to snow and it was just beautiful.  We opened our bedroom blinds and layed there and ate and watched TV all day long.  And yes I know that you people with children out there are cursing our very existence for being able to do this.  I say suck it!  At least you have kids. 

You may not realize it, but we are big wine fans.  I know, collective gasp, right?  Well we do love us our Chardonnay.  We decided that we would take a break in January and detox our bodies just a little.  Not a big thing, just a little change.  What the hell were we thinking?  I’m in accounting.  As in, year end crazy ass zoo full of crazy number crunching brainiacs solving the world’s problems.  (For real!)  Kyle works for an advertising agency that is crazy busy, working on the new ad campaigns for the year.  I’ve been to his office by the way and it is like an amusement park.  It’s everything you think a cool ad agency would be and more.  They have hot wheels all around and food and drinks, including beer in the fridge and fun, fun, fun!  Not that accounting isn’t fun and glamorous.  Sigh, okay not the same.  We’ll move on.

Okay back to the drinking break, let’s see; long hours – crazy stressful work after 11 days off = no drinking… Hmmmm I think we can all agree that is the LAST TIME you want to stop anything that gives you pleasure and helps you relax at the end of a stressful day.  This reminds me, I love the part in the movie Airplane when the guy constantly states it was the wrong time for him to quit – sniffing glue, smoking, sniffing markers, etc.   That shit is funny.  I digress, so Kyle and I decided we would probably make it better through the week if we had just a sip or two.

Beats the hell out of sniffing glue and, we don’t have any markers in the house.  What were we to do?

A Guest Blog by Kyle Griffin - I Couldn't Have Said it Better Myself

Happy New Year! Welcome 2011.
So many people have shunned 2010, "couldn't wait for it to be over", wished 2011 treated them better than that shitty-ol 2010... generally acting as if 2010 had fallen just short of Chernobyl or a liter of puppies getting run over.  My take is a little different.

In 2010 I was unemployed and found a fantastic job and actually was lucky enough to just get a wonderful promotion.

My Mom fought her ass off and won her battle with breast cancer. Go Mom! My Dad is still alive. He was given 2 years to live... that was 2 years and 9 months ago. You can't beat that shit with a stick. He just bought a new convertible to drive NEXT summer. That's some positive thinking. My friend Amber who's battled breast cancer for years found another lump - she walked back into a hospital to get it checked out, scared to death. She found out it was nothing... thanks again Universe.

We can't have a baby, but we have 8 incredible nieces and nephews who we treat as our own children and love them all more than we ever could have imagined. I live in a beautiful home. I laugh all the time.
I have the most incredible family, wonderful friends and neighbors and if it's possible, I fall a little bit more in love with my wife every single day!

We discovered our new favorite TV series Nurse Jackie. (Don't worry Dexter, Californication and True Blood - we haven't forgotten about you.)

We bought $50 worth of Egg McMuffins and drove around downtown handing them out to homeless people. The looks in people's eyes was more rewarding than I could ever explain. Especially the little boy who asked if he could have 2 so he could bring one to his Mommy, as he motioned to a sickly woman leaning against a building.

I have the most loving dog who thinks I hung the moon and acts like she hasn't seen me in years every single time I walk through the door.

I am just wrapping up the most amazing 12 day vacation with my wife. If possible - I consumed more wine and ate more food in 2010 than 2009 and met my last New Years goal of gaining as much weight as possible. (I like attainable goals)

I will miss you 2010. You gave me many wonderful things and didn't take my parents away from me. Some big things, some little things - all things combined it was a great year. 2011 has some big shoes to fill. Find positive in the negative. No year is perfect - but if you are reading this you survived it and you are breathing air in and out of your lungs. Be thankful for that alone and that you have another year to change all the negative things everyone is blaming on 2010.

I am blessed and am thankful for everything in my incredible life!

- A very special thanks to my husband for writing this and sharing his thoughts on the year.  I love you so much Kyle!