This past weekend Kyle and I pulled up along side our former neighbors. We lovingly referred to these particular neighbors as ‘Shit Stain and Whore’. Whore because, well, she really was a prostitute. Shit Stain because they were a couple and he knew all about it, and obviously supported her doing this, and reveled in the money it made and all the toys they were able to buy. I think they call that a “pimp”. Let me give you the back story.
We move to the ultimate neighborhood in suburbia. The cul-de-sac at the end of our street, at one time, had 25 or so children living and playing at it. I’m talking family friendly, quiet, barbeque sharing bliss… picture the Desperate Housewives neighborhood (I know you’re gagging). Welcome to
Wysteria Lane!
Wysteria Lane!
The people who moved into the house next door to us were nice enough… not the sharpest tools in the shed and somewhat trashy, but nice enough. We are not uppity people by any sense of the word, I mean, we enjoy box wine, but these people were just banjo playing, white trash garbage. They informed us shortly after we met them, (her) drunk off her ass, teetering on her stilettos in the driveway in a short little silk nighty, that “this house was their retirement and they did and sold everything it took to get it.” I love sharing your most personal information amongst strangers. Yay, neighbors for life!!
The woman was 52 years old with a body only a plastic surgeon could build (and did). Hot and tight, there is no denying it. Her face was a little ‘rode hard, put away wet’ but I guess when you are a hooker, the body is what they are paying for. She strutted her ass around their yard in super high heels, short shorts and the tightest tank tops she could fit her size double D’s into, even to just pick weeds. The husband had a job (professional bowler) but not for long. He didn’t need to work any longer once her business kicked in.
Kyle called me at work one day and informed me of his suspicions. He was sure that our neighbor was turning tricks out of her house. Of course I think he is crazy and I tell him so. At night we would be sitting out on our front porch, watching the sun go down and low and behold, she had some major traffic “cumming and going” from her house. It was unbelievable!! One car an hour, you could time it with an egg timer. The men would pull up, be inside for about 55 minutes, come out and leave and the next car would pull up. Ewwwww. Once again, Ewwwwww.
All the neighbors began comparing notes and man did it give us stuff to gossip about. We figured out that she was advertising on Craig’s List and on an actual hooker website. She called herself Busty Brandi. She had a price list posted for crying out loud!! The pictures she posted and the descriptions of who she was and what she could do were so crazy. I mean, we’ve lived downtown. We lived next door to a halfway house for crack addicts when we first started out. Nothing shocked us like this woman. She even put a little Christmas tree in her front window with red lights that she would turn on until the ‘John’ got there and then turn it off once he arrived. Our very own little red light district. That started because one of the guys went to the wrong house, across the street from her, one time. Crazy right? I couldn’t make this stuff up!!
She had a regular who was pretty old and gross, one leg shorter than the other, who would limp up to her door once a week. At one point she was up to 12 in one day. Imagine that! Having sex and, God knows what else, with upwards of 12 strangers a day. I mean, folks, these guys were no Brad Pitts. They were N A S T Y. I guess if you are a whore that charges $250/hr you don’t care what they look, or smell like.
The grossest part of all is when her husband would drive by and see a car in their driveway. He would wait at the end of the street until the guy left before he would go home. Imagine that, “Honey, I’m home. How many strangers did you fuck today? Is that new blow job technique we worked on earning higher tips?”
Us neighbors all shunned them and she eventually got busted and Channel 2 News was out front one day filming their house for the nightly news. What a year of entertainment we had. With all of us neighbors knowing what was up she could no longer do her work at home. Her business must have declined because they finally abandoned the house and moved out. That was quite the night of celebrating in our neighborhood!!!
We haven’t seen them since. The tale has been told over and over. You have to admit, it is quite entertaining. When we pulled up next to them in traffic on Saturday, them in a very nice car that they didn’t have when they lived next door, obviously newly purchased with hooker profits, we wanted to roll down the window and ask how business has been.
We decided to pass on the mocking. I figure just being themselves in life has to be punishment enough.
Ahh, the suburbs.
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